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Posts Tagged ‘London’

Londoners, you rock!

June 24, 2010 8 comments

So I was on the tube today, minding my own business and being kinda after-work-grouchy (also it is actually WARM in London, which should be lovely but means that the tube is like a SAUNA only instead of the lovely woody-aromatherapy steam it’s BO-armpit steam which is not nearly as nice), when a bunch of football idiots climbed onto the tube in their football colours and sang some foreign anthem REALLY LOUD the ENTIRE WAY.  And I sat very quiet and very still while I had a little private MASSIVE HEAD EXPLOSION!!!

They even had a whistle-thingie.  And they were being LOUD and OBNOXIOUS on purpose just to annoy everyone, and you could feel the everyone in the entire carriage think that they were SO UNLUCKY to be in this particular carriage.

And this is what I love most about Londoners…

No one even looked their way.

Londoners, you guys are AWESOME.  We all know that all the shouting idiots wanted was for someone to look at them the wrong way, or to get angry, or to say something, or to ACKNOWLEDGE their sorry excuse for an existence.  They wanted to get a rise out of people and NOT ONE PERSON gave them the satisfaction.  I have never seen an entire tube carriage so interested in their newspapers.  Never seen people so intent on listening to their iPods (okay, they were totally just pretending to listen because I had my iPod volume full blast and still couldn’t hear anything above the shouting–but they were GREAT at pretending).

Ha!  Take that you annoying tube-shouters!  You are TOO BORING for us to EVEN NOTICE YOU!  Only in London could a group of strangers pull together so quickly without exchanging a single word.

Okay, so now I think I sound old and snarky but if you were there your head would have exploded as well.

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Top 5 London Phrases you should learn the meaning of before you arrive

ABWP has one of her bestest friends EVER coming to visit her, all the way from Chicago to rainy, cold London (only it is neither rainy nor cold at present–the shock!).  She has compiled a list of London translations in preparation for said friend’s arrival.  So.  She thought she would share it with her blogger friends (I think Lua is on her way to the UK soon–yes?).

“You all right?”  — Translation:  I am just being polite.  I do not care whether you are all right or not.  The only acceptable response to this is “yes.”

“Toilet closed for maintenance”  —  Translation:  The government is too lazy to clean this toilet.  This toilet will never be open again, ever.  You are welcome to poop on the pavement in protest.

“Please mind the gap” — Translation:  You better watch where you are bloody walking because if you fall over they’ll stop the whole tube line and I will be late.  Though I am too polite to say anything, I will totally stare daggers at you and you will feel VERY UNCOMFORTABLE.

“Line down due to a person under a train”  —  Translation:  No, this doesn’t mean someone is under the train to fix it.  For all the seeming politeness of London’s speeches, they don’t mind telling everyone that someone is squished and splattered all over the tracks.  Yuk.  Also, this seems to happen disproportionately often at Liverpool Street.  If you are feeling depressed DO NOT GO TO LIVERPOOL STREET STATION life is not that bad I promise everything will seem brighter and better later think of all the lovely G&Ts you can still enjoy.  Plus, you will make me late.

“Innit” —  Translation:  this is neither a word nor a phrase, but rather a bastardization of both.  It once meant “isn’t it” but now translates roughly to “I have no idea what to say but feel I should say something here”

Okay, so I feel this may sound somewhat snarky which is TOTALLY NOT TRUE I LOVE LONDONERS.  I am a convert.  Where else can you go where people will queue up for ONE SIDE of the escalator?

Bonus:  Only because I got one of these as a kid and am still recovering from the trauma–

“Honorable Mention”  — Translation: You are a complete and utter LOSER.  Actually, not only are you a loser, but you’re so STUPID that you WON’T NOTICE YOU ARE A LOSER as long as we give you this NON-AWARD.

Daffodils!

March 23, 2010 3 comments

Yes, daffodils.  In London.

I am not going to write a post (well, a real post).  I promised snarky sarcasm.

But daffodils.  In London.

I am incapable of snarky sarcasm today.

Daffodils!  Poking their determined little heads up through the soil where thousands of people tread every day and blooming.  Blooming!

Nothing melts my London-hardened heart like flowers (especially sunflowers, but daffodils will do).  There is something of promise in them–I immediately get visions of sunny days spent in the park with a picnic and pre-mixed gin&tonics poured (rather sneakily) into tonic bottles.  Cucumber on the side.

OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG summer is finally coming you don’t understand if you don’t live in London it is like a gray pit of despair with stupid rain-but-not-rain all the time and your feet get all wet and gross and you think you will die a slow and painful death if you don’t get SOMETHING other than rain-but-not-rain (even if it’s just PROPER RAIN at least it will actually be SOMETHING DEFINABLE) and just when you are about to have a MASSIVE HEAD EXPLOSION!!!  and pack it all in and go back to the lovely tropical island from which you have come you see…

Daffodils.

And you LOVE London.

The parents (eagerly awaiting said return to small tropical island) sigh in disappointment and resume internet scanning for cheap London flights.

And so.

I am incapable of snarky anything today.  Blame the daffodils.